Why Sleep Training and ‘Crying It Out’ Can Harm Your Child’s Emotional Development: What Parents Should Know
Why Sleep Training and ‘Crying It Out’ Can Harm Your Child’s Emotional Development: What Parents Should Know
For many parents, sleep training can seem like a quick solution to help their babies—and themselves—get a better night’s rest. Techniques like “crying it out” (CIO) have become widely popular as methods for teaching babies to sleep independently. However, recent research and expert insights suggest that these methods may have unintended consequences on your child’s emotional development, particularly regarding attachment and stress regulation.
In this blog, we’ll explore why sleep training and "crying it out" can harm your child’s emotional development and offer healthier, more nurturing alternatives. As a parent myself, I understand firsthand how hard sleep deprivation can be and I have compassion for parents who try sleep training. Of course, you want to sleep more! Sleep is essential to well-being. However, in this article, I’ll break down how sleep training could really harm your child.
The Emotional Impact of Crying It Out
At its core, “crying it out” is based on the idea that allowing babies to cry until they fall asleep will teach them to self-soothe and eventually sleep independently. While it may seem effective in the short term, this practice can be emotionally harmful in the long run. When a baby cries and their needs are not met, it sends a distress signal to their brain. Over time, repeated experiences of being left to cry without comfort can lead to elevated levels of cortisol, the body’s stress hormone. This chronic stress response can affect your child’s emotional regulation and overall well-being.
Babies are wired to rely on their caregivers for comfort and safety. When they cry, they are signaling that they need reassurance, affection, and closeness. Ignoring those cries can create feelings of fear, insecurity, and helplessness. Over time, this can damage the sense of trust that is critical for healthy emotional development.
A child who feels consistently unsupported may struggle with emotional regulation, social interactions, and even anxiety as they grow. While parents are often well-meaning when they try sleep training, babies “self-soothing” is a total myth. Babies cannot self-soothe. If your baby starts being quiet after crying, it means they have learned no one will attend to their needs and their needs do not matter; this causes extensive emotional damage for their lifetime.
Attachment and the Importance of Emotional Connection
One of the most significant aspects of a child’s emotional development is attachment. Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, suggests that children form emotional bonds with their caregivers that serve as the foundation for future relationships and emotional health. Secure attachment, which is built on consistent, responsive care, is key to developing a sense of safety, trust, and self-worth.
“Crying it out” disrupts the attachment process. When a baby’s cries are ignored, they may begin to internalize the belief that their emotional needs won’t be met. This can lead to insecure attachment, which can manifest in a variety of ways later in life, including difficulty forming healthy relationships and struggling with self-regulation. By investing in your child’s emotional needs for attachment when they are young, your child will benefit for their rest of their lifetime.
Research on Attachment and Emotional Health:
According to a study by the American Psychological Association (APA), securely attached children tend to have improved social skills, higher self-esteem, and better ability for emotional regulation. In contrast, children with insecure attachment often face challenges with trust, self-worth, behavioral issues, and emotional resilience.
By investing in your child’s emotional needs for attachment when they are young, your child will benefit for their entire lifetime. They will learn that their needs are important and that their caregivers can be relied upon for comfort and support. This sets the foundation for strong, healthy relationships throughout life.
The Myth of Self-Soothe: What Your Baby Really Needs
One of the central claims of sleep training is that it teaches babies to self-soothe—learn to calm themselves without external help. However, self-soothing is not a skill babies can develop on their own at an early age. Babies lack the developmental ability to comfort themselves effectively. Their emotional and nervous systems are still maturing, and they rely on their caregivers to help them process and regulate their emotions.
Instead of “crying it out,” babies need soothing, comfort, and reassurance from their parents. This helps them feel secure enough to eventually develop self-soothing abilities naturally over time. In fact, research shows that babies who are responded to promptly and consistently tend to have better emotional regulation and healthier sleep habits in the long run. If you don’t do sleep training, you will see the benefits in your child as soon as toddlerhood. Toddlers who were attuned to at night will have better self-regulation skills, better ability to name feelings and healthier ways of relating to others.
How Sleep Training Affects Parents’ Mental Health and Relationship Dynamics
While sleep training is often marketed as a solution to tiredness, it can take a significant emotional toll on parents. One of the most common challenges with methods like crying it out (CIO) is the intense feelings of guilt and anxiety it can trigger. Parents who may initially feel hesitant about letting their baby cry often struggle with conflicting emotions. Conflicting emotions are common because on the one hand parents are desperate to sleep but on the other hand hearing your baby cry goes against biological human impulses.
They may worry about their baby’s distress and feel as though they are failing them emotionally. For many, the inability to comfort their child while they’re crying can cause profound stress and parenting guilt. This emotional strain can be especially difficult for mothers, who tend to bear the brunt of parenting responsibilities and are more likely to feel overwhelmed by the decision to allow their baby to cry without providing comfort.
Additionally, differing opinions on sleep training can create tension between partners. One parent may feel strongly about implementing CIO, while the other may resist, worried about its emotional effects. This lack of alignment can strain marital dynamics, leading to frustration, resentment, or feelings of isolation. Couples may find themselves arguing over sleep methods or feeling unsupported in their parenting journey, which can undermine the teamwork essential for navigating parenthood together.
This is where a strong support system becomes essential. Parents need a network of friends, family, or professionals to help them navigate the pressures of sleep deprivation, especially when they’re feeling conflicted about sleep training. Emotional support and guidance can not only ease the stress of parenting but also help maintain relationship alignment during this challenging time.
Healthier Sleep Alternatives
Gentle Sleep Coaches: There are sleep coaches that are trained in attachment that can help with fostering good sleep. For example, they may help understand the child’s personality type and activities they may need during the day to get better sleep at night.
Consistent Bedtime Routine: Establishing a predictable bedtime routine can signal to your baby that it’s time to wind down. This might include a warm bath, gentle rocking, reading a story, or soft lullabies. A consistent routine fosters security and helps your baby transition smoothly from wakefulness to sleep. Even small signals like putting the blinds down can signal your baby that it’s time for sleep.
Co-Sleeping: For some families, co-sleeping or bed-sharing offers a way to meet a child’s emotional needs while still addressing sleep concerns. This arrangement ensures that your child can easily reach you for comfort during the night, promoting both emotional security and restful sleep.
Responsive Parenting: The most important factor in any sleep strategy is being responsive to your baby’s needs. Offering comfort, reassurance, and physical touch when your child is upset will help them feel safe and secure. As your baby grows, they’ll develop the tools to self-soothe naturally, without the need for extensive sleep training.
Conclusion
While sleep training and methods like “crying it out” may seem like an easy solution for tired parents, they can have long-term consequences on your child’s emotional development, attachment, and stress regulation. By choosing more gentle, responsive methods, you can support your child’s sleep while fostering a strong, secure emotional bond that will benefit them well into the future. To understand more about attachment, read here.
If you’re struggling with sleep issues or need support in navigating alternative sleep strategies, consider reaching out to a therapist specializing in attachment and child development. You don’t have to choose between a well-rested family and a securely attached one—there’s a middle ground that works for everyone. Also, many times when I work with parents, working through the other elements that are exhausting parents, can help boost energy. Book a free consultation to explore how therapy can help you boost your energy and wellbeing and understand your child’s attachment needs.