5 Effective Strategies for Maintaining a Peaceful Marriage After Kids: Tips for Stronger Relationships
Marriage can be a beautiful partnership where you can share all life's exciting moments with someone so close it’s like you’re finishing each other’s sentences. Then you introduce a kiddo or two, and that clear picture of your wedded bliss takes on new shapes and meanings.
Between changing diapers, sleep deprivation, and trying to figure out how to meet your child’s needs, you need to ensure you and your partner are giving each other the support and time to keep your marriage flourishing. This transition often changes the dynamics of your marriage, sometimes leading to stress and disconnection. But with effort and intention, it's entirely possible to maintain or even strengthen your bond.
If you’re unsure how to get started with a happy marriage after kids, here are some solid strategies to help you out.
1. Get Good at Identifying Your Needs
A peaceful marriage begins with knowing what you need. If you’ve ever flown, you probably remember those boring instructional safety briefings where the flight attendant tells you to put your mask on first before assisting anyone else. Your marriage should operate in much the same way.
Begin by identifying the needs you have that bring you peace. Simple things like having 30 minutes every day to walk through your garden or the chance to sit down and discuss emotions with your loved one go a long way to keeping you balanced. The more at ease you feel, the better you can help your partner and kids with their needs.
Self-awareness in marriage:
Reflect on how being a parent has changed you. Maybe you're finding that your personal needs (like time for self-care, emotional connection, or even alone time) are harder to meet now that you’re responsible for children. Understanding these changes will make it easier to express your needs to your partner.
Examples of needs:
For example, some people may need quiet time to decompress, while others might need physical affection or more verbal affirmation. Are there new ways your needs have shifted since becoming parents? Consider keeping a journal to track how your emotional or physical state changes throughout the day. Moreover, before having a child it was easier for each person to take care of their own needs. Now, typically one person is caring for the child and while they are doing that it is harder to take care of their own needs. So much clearer discussion is necessary so that each person can take care of themselves and each other.
A big example that comes up often in couples therapy is when one person is breastfeeding the baby. That is a big job and is often undervalued. While the parent is breastfeeding, it may be important for the other partner to get her water or snacks. Or, take the baby afterwards so she can go eat or shower. These are just examples of the types of situations that can come up.
2. Communicate Needs to Your Partner
Now that you know your needs better, it’s time to communicate those to your partner. Marriage strategies don’t have to be complex. Simply communicating what you need to feel more supported gets you far more reward than wishing they could just “know” how you are feeling.
We operate on different wavelengths. Emotional overwhelm, mental fatigue, and physical exhaustion are different for each of us. Help yourself and your partner by saying how you’re feeling out loud and clearly asking for what you need to feel better.
Asking for help may be vulnerable, but it is crucial to a happy marriage. While you’re at it, don’t forget to listen to your partner when they communicate in return. This should be a two-way street and without shame.
Communication strategies:
Consider using "I statements" (e.g., "I feel overwhelmed when…") instead of blaming your partner. When emotions run high, it’s easy to fall into defensive or accusatory language. Instead, focus on expressing your feelings calmly and clearly. Be clear about what you are needing (e.g. “When I’m done nursing, I need you to take the baby so I can take care of myself for at least 15 minutes.”)
Timing and setting:
Choose the right time to talk, away from distractions or in the middle of a stressful moment. Scheduling a weekly check-in can ensure you're both in a space where you can talk openly and without interruptions. It used to be easy to talk anytime but now with a baby in the mix, finding time without baby or kids takes extra effort.
Example:
Think of a time when you felt emotionally drained and your spouse was able to meet that need with a small gesture—like helping out with chores, offering emotional support, or simply listening without judgment. These moments show how clear communication leads to mutual understanding.
3. Schedule Kid Free Connection Time
Kids are lovely little bundles of joy, right? Sure, but that doesn’t mean you should constantly be covered in half-eaten snacks trying to figure out if putting Bluey on TV is good or bad for their mental health.
Your happy marriage needs a little space away from the children. Even if it’s just 5 minutes of one-on-one time after school drop off before you go to work, that should be actively protected. These small moments offer a connection that can foster and protect the intimacy between the two of you. Remember, you started this marriage for a reason. Why not give each other time to revisit that reason for a few minutes daily?
Small, meaningful moments:
Scheduling a weekly date night is wonderful, but it doesn’t always need to be something extravagant. A few minutes of one-on-one time every morning before the chaos of the day begins can make a huge difference. It’s about quality, not quantity. Or, a quick check-in at the end of the day. Sometimes even taking a moment to say one thing you appreciate about the other person and then switching roles can help create more goodwill between partners.
The power of touch and conversation:
Simple things, like holding hands or engaging in a light conversation, can have a profound impact on your connection. Even in the midst of your hectic day, small moments of intimacy can help maintain the emotional closeness that might otherwise fade in the busyness of life.
4. Discuss and Fairly Divide Household Tasks
Running a household takes work. Life after kids makes those daily tasks a bit more complex. Now you’re cooking for 3, 4, or even 7 mouths instead of breakfast in bed for just the two of you.
It's time to get out a piece of paper and pencil and discuss household tasks. Be fair and open about dividing daily responsibilities so neither of you feels resentful about who is doing laundry and which partner is stuck with the never-ending dirty dishes.
Finding balance is a massive marriage strategy. Teamwork ensures you feel supported and fair in your complex life. Or, if you’re looking for an easy reminder, Teamwork makes the dream work!
The invisible labor:
Often, one partner may feel like they’re doing the "invisible labor" (planning, organizing, and managing logistics), which can lead to frustration. This is also referred to as the “mental load.” Having open conversations about the labor involved in running a household can be just as important as divvying up physical tasks. There are several ways to track all the different kinds of labor; find a system that works for you.
Practical solutions:
To avoid misunderstandings, try making a list of all the tasks that need to be done weekly and sit down to divide them fairly. This could include everything from grocery shopping to bedtime routines. It’s also helpful to revisit this division regularly, as schedules and needs can shift.
5. Give Each Other Time for Self-Care
Yes, your happy marriage requires time for one another. However, you also need a little time for some self-care. Being able to sneak away for 15 minutes of quiet time with a cup of tea or enjoy a daily run away from the responsibilities of kids and home feels terrific.
You want to reduce the stress around you and your relationship. Even an extremely happy marriage can feel weighed down by too much pressure or stress from life. Make sure you have time for yourself to get some clarity and peace. Even better, when your partner gifts you some free time, show gratitude and enjoy every single minute you get. The more each person gets to fill their cup, the easier it will feel to give to both their partner and children.
Setting boundaries for self-care:
Parents often feel guilty about taking time for themselves, but self-care is crucial for long-term happiness. You don’t have to give up family activities, but carving out a little "me time" for each partner can help ensure that both individuals in the marriage feel supported.
Support and empathy:
Self-care is not just about taking time alone—it’s also about supporting each other’s need for it. When one partner offers to take over child care duties to give the other some personal time, it can be a huge act of love.
Final Thoughts
Infusing marriage strategies into your lives can do a lot to boost how you feel about yourself, your partner, and your future prospects. Utilizing these strategies ensures you are proactively protecting the health and well-being of something you value so much.
Kids will impact your marriage. However, when you put in a little work to implement ideas and boundaries that make it clear that you value your marriage, it can go a long way. It can also model to your children healthy relationships.
Needing support in your marriage? Book a free consultation with our team at Thriving California Therapy Group. We love helping families, couples, and individuals create strategies for a better, happier life. Your marriage deserves support. Give us a call today, and let’s discuss how to integrate these strategies and more into your daily life.