6 QUESTIONS TO HANDLE FEELING TRIGGERED BY YOUR KIDS

How often do you feel triggered by your kids? It could be a loud noise, a scream, or a tantrum. 

One moment, you're calm, and the next, you feel like you're losing your mind. 

Parenting is challenging, and it's completely normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes. But what if there was a way to understand your reactions better and find more peace in those difficult moments? 

Try asking yourself these six questions when you feel triggered by your kids and see what happens.

1. What was upsetting for me about this interaction?

First, take a moment to identify what specifically upset you. Was it the noise, the defiance, or the mess? Maybe your child was screaming in the car because they didn’t want to leave the park. You might feel a rush of frustration and anger. 

Ask yourself, what about this situation is really bothering me? 

• Is it the noise? 

• The public scene? 

• Or maybe it's the feeling of losing control?

For example, imagine your child is throwing a tantrum because you won't buy them a toy. You might feel angry and embarrassed. By asking yourself what is truly upsetting, you might realize it’s the public embarrassment that's triggering you. 

Understanding this can help you address your feelings more effectively. You might decide to calmly explain to your child why they can't have the toy and then find a quiet place to calm down together.

2. Is this feeling familiar? If so, what is it reminding me of?

Sometimes our reactions are tied to past experiences. Ask yourself if the feeling you're having now is familiar. Does it remind you of something from your past?

If your child is refusing to eat dinner, you might feel a surge of frustration. By reflecting, you remember feeling powerless as a child when your own parents were strict about meals. There might be an intergenerational pattern of behavior going on. 

Recognizing this connection can help you separate past feelings from the present situation. Understanding that your frustration might stem from your own childhood experiences can help you approach the situation with more patience and empathy.

3. What does my child need? Can I give this to them?

Consider what your child might be needing at the moment. Are they tired, hungry, or needing attention? Understanding their needs can help you respond with empathy rather than frustration.

Think about how you’d feel if your child is whining for attention while you're trying to finish work. Instead of getting annoyed, think about their needs. Maybe they just want to feel close to you. 

Acknowledge their need and let them know you'll spend time together soon. This can help them feel heard and reduce their need for negative attention. You might say, "I can see you want to spend time with me. Let me finish this task, and then we can play together."

4. What does this bring up from my own childhood?

Your childhood experiences shape your responses. Reflect on what this situation brings up for you from your own childhood. Did you have similar experiences?

When your kid is being very demanding, and you might feel a mix of anger and guilt. Think back to your childhood. Maybe you felt neglected and vowed to always be there for your children. 

Understanding this can help you realize why you're so triggered and guide you to respond more calmly. You might realize that your strong reaction is about wanting to give your child what you didn’t have, and then find a balanced way to meet both your needs and theirs.

5. Can I give my child something that I did not receive from my own caregivers when I was a child?

Think about what you needed as a child that you didn’t get. Can you provide this for your child now? Breaking the cycle of unmet needs can be powerful.

If you often felt unheard as a child, make an effort to listen to your child. If they're upset about something, take the time to listen and validate their feelings. This not only helps your child feel valued but also heals parts of your own childhood wounds. 

For instance, if your child is upset about a fight with a friend, you might say, "I understand you're feeling hurt. It's okay to feel this way. Do you want to talk about it?" This can make them feel supported and understood.

6. How can I comfort or soothe myself in this situation?

When you're triggered, it's important to find ways to soothe yourself. This can help you stay calm and respond more effectively to your child.

Think about how you react to your child throwing a tantrum. Maybe even now, you feel your anger rising. Take a deep breath, step away for a moment, and give yourself a mental break. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel upset and that you can handle this. 

Techniques like deep breathing, positive self-talk, or even a quick walk can help you regain your calm. You might say to yourself, "This is tough, but I can manage it. I just need a moment to breathe."

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world, and feeling triggered is a normal part of the journey. By asking yourself these six questions, you can better understand your reactions and find healthier ways to respond to your children. This not only improves your relationship with them, but also helps you grow as a parent and person.

If you are curious about how you can disrupt intergenerational patterns and create a thriving life for you and your loved ones, reach out to schedule a free consultation today.

We at Thriving California are a team of therapists ready to help overwhelmed parents and couples on their healing journey. We’re here to support you!