6 Questions to Ask When You're Triggered by Your Kids: Parenting Strategies for Emotional Regulation
6 QUESTIONS TO HANDLE FEELING TRIGGERED BY YOUR KIDS
Parenting is filled with beautiful moments, but it can also bring up intense emotions. Between the tantrums, power struggles, and moments of chaos, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. You might find yourself reacting more strongly than you expect to certain situations. If you’ve ever found yourself feeling triggered by your child’s behavior, you’re not alone. In fact, feeling emotionally triggered is a common experience for parents, and it’s something many people struggle to talk about. However, recognizing these moments and learning how to navigate them can drastically improve your emotional well-being and your relationship with your child. This is very important work of parenthood.
How often do you feel triggered by your kids? It could be a loud noise, a scream, or a tantrum.
One moment, you're calm, and the next, you feel like you're losing your mind.
Parenting is challenging, and it's completely normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes. But what if there was a way to understand your reactions better and find more peace in those difficult moments?
Try asking yourself these six questions when you feel triggered by your kids and see what happens. In the moment, it might be hard to ask your self these questions because you will likely be emotionally dysreglated but these questions can be wonderful when you are reflecting on what happened.
1. What was upsetting for me about this interaction?
First, take a moment to identify what specifically upset you. Was it the noise, the defiance, or the mess? Maybe your child was screaming in the car because they didn’t want to leave the park. You might feel a rush of frustration and anger.
Ask yourself, what about this situation is really bothering me?
Is it the noise?
The public scene?
Or maybe it's the feeling of losing control?
For example, imagine your child is throwing a tantrum because you won't buy them a toy. You might feel angry and embarrassed. By asking yourself what is truly upsetting, you might realize it’s the public embarrassment that's triggering you.
Understanding this can help you address your feelings more effectively. You might decide to calmly explain to your child why they can't have the toy and then find a quiet place to calm down together.
Sometimes, when we’re triggered, we jump straight into action without fully understanding the emotion at the core. For instance, if your child is refusing to eat dinner, it might trigger feelings of frustration, but what if this frustration stems from a past experience where your own parents were overly strict with food? Or perhaps you associate meal times with stress from earlier in the day. Taking a moment to pause and dig deeper into the root of your emotions can help you respond more consciously, rather than react impulsively. This process is about acknowledging the emotion, naming it, and identifying its origins. Oftentimes, when we react impulsively, we are recreating some dynamic from the past. By stopping and understanding our reactions, we can create a better relationship with our children and break intergenerational cycles.
2. Is this feeling familiar? If so, what is it reminding me of?
Sometimes our reactions are tied to past experiences. Ask yourself if the feeling you're having now is familiar. Does it remind you of something from your past?
If your child is refusing to eat dinner, you might feel a surge of frustration. By reflecting, you remember feeling powerless as a child when your own parents were strict about meals. There might be an intergenerational pattern of behavior going on.
Recognizing this connection can help you separate past feelings from the present situation. Understanding that your frustration might stem from your own childhood experiences can help you approach the situation with more patience and empathy.
We often don’t realize that our emotional triggers may stem from unresolved childhood issues. This can sometimes lead to us overreacting to situations that seem minor. For example, a child throwing a tantrum over not getting a toy might cause an adult to feel an exaggerated sense of frustration. But what if this feeling stems from an unresolved experience in your own childhood? Maybe your parents weren’t emotionally available, or you experienced a similar situation where your desires were ignored. Understanding these connections allows us to be more present and empathetic with our children, instead of projecting unresolved issues onto them. Doing this process of exploration is hard work so be gentle with yourself! If your partner is open to it, it might be helpful to discuss parenting triggers together to develop empathy and solidarity.
3. What does my child need? Can I give this to them?
Consider what your child might be needing at the moment. Are they tired, hungry, or needing attention? Understanding their needs can help you respond with empathy rather than frustration.
Think about how you’d feel if your child is whining for attention while you're trying to go to the bathroom. Instead of getting annoyed, think about their needs. Maybe they just want to feel close to you.
Acknowledge their need and let them know you'll spend time together soon. This can help them feel heard and reduce their need for negative attention. You might say, "I can see you want to spend time with me. Let me finish going to the bathroom, and then we can play together."
When you’re feeling triggered, it’s easy to focus on your own emotions—frustration, anger, or even helplessness. However, pausing to consider what your child might be experiencing can be a powerful way to shift your perspective. Children communicate through their behavior, and often, their tantrums or frustrations are expressions of deeper needs, such as hunger, fatigue, or the desire for connection.
4. What does this bring up from my own childhood?
Your childhood experiences shape your responses. Reflect on what this situation brings up for you from your own childhood. Did you have similar experiences?
When your kid is being very demanding, and you might feel a mix of anger and guilt. Think back to your childhood. Maybe you felt neglected and vowed to always be there for your children.
Understanding this can help you realize why you're so triggered and guide you to respond more calmly. You might realize that your strong reaction is about wanting to give your child what you didn’t have, and then find a balanced way to meet both your needs and theirs.
Our childhood experiences profoundly shape our emotional responses as adults. When you’re triggered by your child’s behavior, it’s often not just about the present moment—it could be connected to unresolved feelings from your own past. These reactions can be particularly strong if your childhood was marked by unmet needs or negative experiences.
When you feel yourself reacting strongly to your child, ask yourself, Does this feeling remind me of something from my past? You might be surprised by how often your emotional response stems from a previous experience you hadn’t consciously connected with the situation at hand.
Real-life scenario:
Your child refuses to go to bed, and you feel a surge of anger that seems disproportionate to the situation. Upon reflection, you realize this response might be tied to your own experiences of being forced to go to bed early as a child, possibly with little explanation or empathy from your parents. The feeling of being controlled might be re-triggering unresolved emotions of powerlessness.
Recognizing this connection can help you shift your mindset. Instead of getting angry, you might try to approach your child with compassion, acknowledging their frustration and explaining why bedtimes are important, while also respecting their autonomy.
By acknowledging the link between your childhood experiences and your present emotions, you can break free from automatic reactions and respond in a way that aligns with the parent you want to be.
5. Can I give my child something that I did not receive from my own caregivers when I was a child?
Think about what you needed as a child that you didn’t get. Can you provide this for your child now? Breaking the cycle of unmet needs can be powerful.
If you often felt unheard as a child, make an effort to listen to your child. If they're upset about something, take the time to listen and validate their feelings. This not only helps your child feel valued but also heals parts of your own childhood wounds.
For instance, if your child is upset about a fight with a friend, you might say, "I understand you're feeling hurt. It's okay to feel this way. Do you want to talk about it?" This can make them feel supported and understood.
As parents, we often carry unresolved childhood wounds. These wounds can show up when we feel triggered by our children. One way to address this is by asking yourself, Is there something I needed as a child that I can give to my child now? This approach can be healing for both you and your child.
For instance, if you grew up in an environment where your feelings were dismissed, you may feel a strong urge to make sure your child’s emotions are heard and validated. In moments of tension, you have the opportunity to break the cycle of emotional neglect by showing your child the care and understanding you didn’t receive.
Real-life scenario:
Your child is upset about not being invited to a friend’s birthday party, and you feel an overwhelming desire to comfort them. You might remember feeling left out as a child and vow to never let your child experience the same emotional isolation. You take a few moments to listen to their feelings without rushing to “fix” the problem, validating their emotions by saying, “I understand that it’s hard to feel left out. I’ve been there too, and it’s okay to be sad about it.”
By offering the emotional support you didn’t receive as a child, you’re helping your child build emotional intelligence and resilience, while also beginning to heal your own wounds.
6. How can I comfort or soothe myself in this situation?
When you're triggered, it's important to find ways to soothe yourself. This can help you stay calm and respond more effectively to your child.
Think about how you react to your child throwing a tantrum. Maybe even now, you feel your anger rising. Take a deep breath, step away for a moment, and give yourself a mental break. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel upset and that you can handle this.
Techniques like deep breathing, positive self-talk, or even a quick walk around the room can help you regain your calm. You might say to yourself, "This is tough, but I can manage it. I just need a moment to breathe."
Parenting is challenging, and it’s normal to feel overwhelmed. But in order to respond effectively to your child, you first need to take care of yourself. Self-soothing techniques are not only crucial for your own well-being but also for maintaining a calm, composed presence in front of your child.
When you're triggered, it’s vital to take a moment to pause and check in with yourself. Ask, What can I do to calm myself down in this moment? Sometimes, a quick reset is all it takes to regain control and respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
Real-life scenario:
Your child is having a meltdown over a small issue, and you can feel your stress levels rising. Instead of reacting immediately, you decide to take a brief pause. You close your eyes and take five deep breaths. You remind yourself that your child’s behavior isn’t a reflection of your parenting and that this moment will pass.
Self-soothing can also take the form of small, nurturing acts—drinking a glass of water, saying a calming affirmation, or going outside with your child. These actions not only calm your nervous system but also show your child that it’s okay to take a break when emotions run high.
By practicing self-soothing, you model emotional regulation for your child, teaching them healthy ways to manage their own emotions as they grow.
Conclusion
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world, and feeling triggered is a normal part of the journey. By asking yourself these six questions, you can better understand your reactions and find healthier ways to respond to your children. This not only improves your relationship with them, but also helps you grow as a parent and person.
If you are curious about how you can disrupt intergenerational patterns and create a thriving life for you and your loved ones, reach out to schedule a free consultation today.
We at Thriving California are a team of therapists ready to help overwhelmed parents and couples on their healing journey. We’re here to support you!